My Enough Just Isn’t Enough


I think we need to talk now more than ever.  More than ever we need each other.  We need to know how others are feeling because it is all not ‘normal’.  The sands have shifted under our feet.

I am a Life Coach.  I do not like the title and have looked for other, more interesting ones, which were even worse.  I guess it does what it says on the tin.  If you need a guide, a light in your fogginess, then that is what it is.  A guide, a coach, a hand that is there when you need to reach out because you feel unsteady underfoot.  I love guiding.  I love being instrumental in helping people take a different path.  I love the success rate I see from it.  I love watching people using the wings they did not even realise they had.  I love seeing people transform, become happier.

It may only be me, but my ground feels weird right now, it feels unstable.  Normally I never feel that, ever!  I am Mrs. Confidence, Mrs. Always Knows Where She is Going, Mrs. Annoyingly Surefooted, Mrs. Decide on the Spot, but then COVID arrived – lockdown, silence, headspace, deaths, traumas, worry for parents, children and friends, bullying, fake news, daily COVID stats, sitting ducks in nursing homes, teachers stressed out, blended learning and racism, amongst many other things that we have been bombarded with on TV and Social Media.  

The appalling images that pop up all too regularly of tortured pigs, calves being torn from mothers, never mind the disturbing unbalancing effect of the USA, a country that we Irish love.  The fact is, the USA is no longer a country that we admire, it is now the butt of our jokes, a bad soap opera that we are addicted to, a toxic environment of everything scary from assault weapons to curing gays.  We watch their President shame their country, the toxicity pours out over us all.  We are soaking up the negativity daily, no matter what we try to do to keep it out.  It is everywhere, raining down on us, constant misty wet negative rain, sometimes visible, sometimes not.  No umbrella works, you just get soaked.

Oprah is on Zoom trying to heal it.  Ellen is at home trying to find a new way to bring peace.  Alec Baldwin sits in his lovely home begging people to vote for change.  Leo, Micheal, Mary Lou, etc., are bashing it out at home.  We have new heroes; Dr Luke is our poster boy.  Tony Holohan is our go-to person now.  Everything is different, the world has changed. 

George Floyd is one huge reason for change, but only one.  Can we believe that humans who are paid to protect us, shoot other humans in the back or kneel on their necks?  Can we believe that millions march with no masks, crushed together?  Can we believe that the UK beaches are jammed on day one of sunshine, with no regard for the virus?  How do we absorb that a group of brave sisters are raped and tortured by their Dad and their own community does nothing to highlight it, or to protect them?  They blame the wider community and rightly so, 40 years of pain and torture and many knew, but no one did a single thing.

In the middle of all of this, we slaughter 500 million pigs (I am quite sure, inhumanly) in China, because of a pig flu that may become another pandemic.  We watch Palestine being decimated and do nothing to help the many there who are being slaughtered like Chinese pigs – ethnically cleansed.

I find it all overwhelming and I never feel overwhelmed.  I have always felt that I can tackle anything.  I can sit with Vladimir Putin and discuss issues for hours.  I can make magic happen in young people’s lives.  I am part of a team that changes children’s lives every day, all beautiful, all big stuff.  We tackle broken hearts daily, we deal with subject matter that most people never get to hear about, we absorb pain all the time to try to lessen the pain of those we work with.  It never takes a fig out of me… until now. 

The sand is moving, my feet are not so surefooted.  I fear very little, but slowly COVID has crept in, the radio in our ears constantly, Ryan trying to sound like the Jolly Green Giant every day, but it is there, there is a monster in the wings, waiting and we do not know what is ahead for us.

Have I had #metoo moments?  Of course.  I was left badly bruised after one that I remember well, two actually – was I rattled?  No.  Did they faze me?  Not at all.  Today I feel more rattled by watching some female soldier in the USA who was abused than I ever felt myself.

What has rattled me now?

I feel like I could just sit in and watch TV all day, anything, reruns of Greys Anatomy, reruns of Modern Family, any TV that will numb my brain.  I have post-COVID exhaustion after sitting on my arse for three months doing nothing, which I strangely loved.  I loved the world shut down, I loved the quiet, I needed it.  But now I want normal back and I do not see normal coming back… all I see is a fuzzy haze.  How is that possible for me?  I never go into a fuzzy haze.  I like clear pictures, a vision, a clear path.  I DO NOT do fuzzy hazes.

Our sands have shifted.

Will black people see fairness?  Will Trump get back in?  Will our own lot work together without endless, exhausting, bitching with each other and Mary Lou?  Will COVID reappear?  Will we ever see peace in Palestine?  Will we ever see a smile on Mother Earth’s face again?  Will we get Ireland back on its feet?  Can we survive, pay our bills, feel energised again?  So many questions.

I will not bleat on about Jacinda Adern again, but how can we change our world to be a kinder, better place with only one Jacinda, or maybe two… but very few overall?  There is a massive lack of empathy for our fellow humans, our animals, our nature.  Is it enough to just do our own little thing?  Is it enough to just plant more bee friendly flowers, use the right bins and not buy one-use plastic?  I really do not think so.  It is like feeding buns to an elephant.  We all must change and in a bigger way.  We have no choice but to make a bigger effort.

Our “enough” must be bigger, harder, greater.  It must come from more of us, all of us.  Can that happen with so much hate, porn, paedophilia, divisiveness, corruption and toxic leaders soaking us all day?  I just do not know. 

So, recently and most unlike me, it was the sofa and Netflix.  I was waiting for my usual energy to be delivered by DHL from somewhere (Heaven, ASOS, somewhere) so I could get back to where I am happiest – never accepting shit or injustice, making changes every day to lives that need a hand up, feeling the Irish warrior woman blood flow – because right now tackling the Aldi trolley with rubber gloves on while straightening my mask is a challenge.

Someone beam me back to where I was in March.  I do not like where I am.  I do not like who I am, ineffective and wobbling.  Lower energy does not suit me.

“I am going to guide myself out of this weird place that I am in” was and is my daily mantra.  I need to feel that there is positivity ahead, a better world, something to fight for, girls’ nights out, holidays, happy free children, more respect for our human brothers and sisters.  Sweet Jesus, but Netflix and toast is so much easier!

And then…

Yesterday, someone brought a story to my attention.  In short, a little girl was fostered 5 years ago, kept in a cage, barely fed, never walked.  She is now 7.  I could feel my blood boiling again, I could feel my need to fix starting to bubble as usual.  I could feel my battle gear rustling in the wardrobe.  I need to be fixing, I need to be sorting problems, I have the ability to make a difference, so it is a sin not to use it.  I sat down and wrote to the powers that be, the adrenaline began to flow.  Old me, pre-March me was beginning to twitch again.  I could feel a grain of energy beginning to take root.

Immediately, I started to feel like myself again, the ground felt firmer, I was doing what I love, what makes me want to jump out of bed at 5am.  Screw COVID, screw Trump, screw the endless negativity that exhausts us all, we need to do all we can to avoid it, it sucks the life out of you.  I need to get back to being me, not a perfect human by any means, but I want to feel again, I want to change young people’s lives, I want to guide others through their shifting sands, it is what I do best. 

All’s we can do is be our best selves, no more.  Less narcissistic, less selfie obsessed, less caught up in Instagram pages where people try to be something that they are not.  Do we really need to see if some over made-up human’s shoes are from Zara or someone’s house makes us feel like ours is a manky cave?  We watch, we drool, we think it is real.  It is not, it is fake and plastic.  180 million people follow Kim and Kylie’s lips and arse.  180 million.  Will spending time on Kim and Kylie’s arses change our world and make it a better place? 

Guys, really, we need to take the last three months as a huge wake up call.  Nature gave us time to slow, to stop, to think.  We need to get back to being better people.  Our ‘enough’ needs to be bigger, more compassionate, kinder, more respectful.  We have much to do to make this world a good place for our children and their children.  We have a world to change people and only we can do it.

We need to get back in the ring.  Well I do anyway. 

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